The Vortex – How To Get More Santa Claus For Less Cookies

The Vortex Bar & Grill
438 Moreland Ave
Atlanta, GA 30307

If you’re a good boy or girl all year long, Santa (or insert your beliefs gift giver here) is supposed to bring you presents. Every day leading up to Christmas day, that’s a day you’re hoping. You’re also paying for it day by day by day with the belief that Mr. Claus and his cloven entourage will land on your roof and and deposit that football / doll / skate board / video game / Kindle / brew kit / pet Lion you you told the big man you wanted while sitting upon his lap at your local mall. When that day comes, it’s nothing but pay off. Then December 26 comes and what happens? You’re back at that good behavior, hoping next holiday season that your corresponding merry present distributor will arrive with payoff in tow.

That’s kind of like traditional advertising isn’t it? You open the doors to your brand new local business, place an ad online, set up a social networking site or God forbid, pay for print or TV ads and hope people walk in the door. If the food / clothing / service / goods / products / back scratches are good enough, someone will eventually come in the door and pay for them. All of these come with an upfront cost and at the end of the day, all they deliver is hope. That sucks! The Santa model of finding new customers doesn’t have the pay off.

Imagine instead, you know for a fact that Santa has been to your neighbor Timmy’s house, and more than once! You also find out that Santa always brings Timmy two presents, not just one. While the old Kringle is in the ‘hood he’s also dropping presies at Janie’s, Mickey’s, Roscoe’s & Misty’s…but he’s not been to your house. What if you had a way to directly tell Santa, at the exact moment he’s checking his naughty & nice list three things: 1. You’ve been a good kid, just like Timmy. 2. You don’t need two presents to get him to come over, you’d be happy with just one. 3. The Milk and Cookies that you are going to leave out are guaranteed to please if Santa really likes the baked goods that Misty’s Mom leaves out. In return for this service, all you had to do was give up 1 cookie.

You’d do it and you know it.

Let’s flip that back to the ad world. What if you could get access to new customers who love your competitors cookies at the exact moment they are looking at their bank statement when they last went and bought those cookies. While they’re doing that, you could tell them you would give them 10% back on their purchase if they just came in and could try your cookies. What if all of that was FREE?!? Go ahead, laugh. It sounds ridiculous.

Until now.

Welcome to Cardlytics. You’ve probably never heard of it and actually, you might not ever. They are the actual guy pulling the levers behind Bank of America’s (and a a boat load of other financial instituions) Rewards programs. Check your online banking statement and you’ll probably see “earn 10% cash back on your next purchase at [insert business name here].” It’s Cardlytics that’s making happen. The crazy part, and as a consumer, probably won’t mean much to you, but to a business owner, the set up, the exposure and the placement, well, that’s all free.

Yup. You read that right business owners, FREE ADVERTISING.

It gets better. You don’t have to pay Santa’s escorting service that small cookie you promised them until he delivers you the X-Box live you’ve been hoping for. All it cost you was a cookie. But now Santa knows where you live, he had your cookie and he loved it. Santa’s probably coming back, before Christmas, with another gift. Guess how much it costs you if he comes back? Nothing.

Welcome to Cardlytics.

It’s almost too good to be true. After my first full day of training at their home base in Atlanta as their newest recruit, I can tell you without any shadow of a doubt, Santa Claus is coming to town. Not only is the Jolly fella and all his competing gift givers, on their way, he’s coming in a game changing Nissan GT-R that blows the old sleigh out of the sky. There’s absolutely never been anything like this technology before and there is absolutely no way to lose if you are using it as a local business.

“But Rev!! I thought this was a Burger blog.”

You did read where I said I was in Atlanta right? You know what’s in Atlanta? THE VORTEX BAR & GRILL!!!! Listed in my “BEST OUTSIDE NYC” Burger list, The Vortex has one of the best … and most insane … Burger lists of all times. Hop onto their site and you’re sure to be cowering at your britches when you read about one of the best Burgers I’ve ever had: THE ELVIS BURGER, Slathered with a King-sized helpin’ of smooth Peanut Butter, Bacon and fried Bananas.

Not intimidated? How about THE TASMANIAN DEVIL BURGER, Coated with a Pepperberry Rub and topped with Pepperjack Cheese and Pineapple Salsa. OK, so you’re not weak of heart. I respect that. I invite you to tackle the holy mary mother load of dynamite stacked beastly Burgers, the Trademarked, TRIPLE CORONARY BYPASS tm (aka THE SUPER STACK)! Made with two half-pound Vortex Sirloin Patties stacked inside three Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, topped with two Fried Eggs, eight slices of American Cheese, ten slices of Bacon and plenty of Mayo on the side. With this Burger we choose your side for you, and it’s a big bowl of Fries and Tots covered in our Cheesy-Cheese goo. This super-stack is a heart attack waiting to happen. Enjoy! (No Lettuce, Tomato or Onion). It rings in just shy of $27.00 and it will not only kick your butt, it will knock over the family mailbox and steal your mother’s favorite plant, not apologize, and never, ever, EVER water it. It’s almost as if the Burger comes in the shape of a hand, that flips you a middle digit before forming a fist, punching you in your mouth, igniting it’s rocket boosters and flying down your throat like a cannonball shot. Good luck!

After training at Carlytics HQ, they asked what we were hungry for and I replied with “one of my favorite Burger restaurants is here. They have a great list of Craft Beer. I think you guys will like it.” I of course left out the Burger descriptions as well as mentions of home and plant life damage. They had no idea what they were in store for, kind of the like the rest of the world as it applies to Cardlytics.

See what I did there?

With so many awesome choices and a near 3 year lag since my last visit to this Burgerverse Mecca, the pressure was on to choose my weapon (or have it choose me!) appropriately. Then I saw this:

A Sirloin Patty, a Turkey Patty, pulled Barbecued Chicken, Bacon, sliced Ham, Turkey, Cheddar Cheese and Whiskey Pimento Cheese, all covered in Vortex Barbecue Sauce and crammed between two Buns. (No Lettuce, Tomato or Onion- JUST MEAT!)

Sounds big don’t it? Here’s a little picture to give you an idea of the size of it, which is taller than an iPhone.

Seriously, Andre the Giant needs to two hands to eat this Bun covered Meat Frankenstein!! Was it good? HELL YEAH! The Vortex is not here to play games! Each and every part of the Meat Jenga stack was good on it’s own, especially the Turkey Burger. Yeah, I said that. The Turkey Patty was great. On top of that, or actually below, was a Sirloin Beef Patty cooked to a perfect Medium rare that was bursting with it’s own flavor. While all parts were good, what really set this kitchen sick apart was the Whiskey Pimento Cheese. I don’t know what high temple on which sacred mountain this Burger topping was created in but if I ever meet the Warlock who conjured it, I will definitely buy him a cookie. Put all of that in a soft yet sturdy Sesame Seed Bun that actually holds up to carrying the equivalent of a skyscraper in it and you’ve got some kind of miracle of Food science in your hands.

If you ever thought American Gladiators needed a spin off where they ate the world’s most insane and delicious Burgers where all the Gatorade was replaced with Craft Beer, then you need to go to the Vortex. If you’ve never thought of the above scenario before but are now wishing it was real, please read and follow the instructions in the prior sentence. Did I mention you enter the place by walking through the mouth of a skull?

9 out of 10 Ounces

537 Burgers

June 18, 2012 – 6:54 pm

The Rev Meter for Social Community
The Rev Meter” is a social community meter for assessing how optimized a bar or restaurant is with social networking. By taking what I consider to be the 10 most important social networks and creating a point system, I can accurately asses how well your business is using social networking as a tool. My goal here is to educate and assist great business to better effectively use these tools.

The Vortex scores a 6 on The Rev Meter.

4 points or less You’ve missed the 5 basics and are less than optimized
5 points You’ve covered the basics, which is better than most but far from optimized.
6 to 9 points You’re doing better than most and on your way to becoming a well respected social community whiz.
10 points Congrats on a perfect score!

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2 Responses to The Vortex – How To Get More Santa Claus For Less Cookies

  1. Pingback: Burger King – BankAmeriDeals With Cardlytics | Burger Conquest

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